Grieving

Right now I have a lump in my throat that's nearly suffocating me.

I don't know why, but I can't stop reading Grieving Gracefully. It's a blog about a daughter's journey through grief over losing her mother.

Maybe it's because during the four years that I was in college, I lost 3 family members. My uncle, my grandmother, and my mom's cousin (and one of her best friends)...a woman who was like an aunt to me. And, I didn't really know how to grieve. I was alone. Of course I had friends, but no family. No body else who felt the sting and the ache of the loss. I didn't really know what to do. And it's not like college affords you the time to stop and deal with these sorts of things. It felt awkward to me to just blurt out "my grandmother just died" to people who didn't even know my family.

I remember when my mom called to tell me she passed away. I was walking upstairs in the girls dorm. I was coming around the curve just about to reach the stairs to go to the lobby. I braced my self against the wall. I slid down slowly, and cried. I tried to remain composed for as long as I was on the phone. But then I couldn't take it anymore so I hung up.

I was home for Christmas break when my uncle died...home as in California. I was actually a counselor at a winter camp my old youth group was attending. It was up in the mountains and there was no cell phone service. My uncle had brain cancer and we knew the end was near for him. I called my mom everyday from the payphone just waiting for the news. And then I got it. I hung up the phone and Elwyn was standing there. He hugged me as I cried. But that's all I can remember about this. I can't remember coming home from camp and being with my family. I can't remember any talk of a funeral or memorial.

I can't remember how I learned when Lynn died. I was in the middle of my junior year in college. I was planning my wedding and a RA in the girls dorm. It was a busy year. We knew her death was a possibility but it felt so sudden. She had lung cancer. I think I blocked it all out because this was the hardest one for me. I didn't know how to deal with the pain of losing her, and I hadn't really dealt with the pain of losing my grandmother and uncle.

Sometimes I think it was God's grace that I was away from my family during those times. I can't imagine seeing my sweet family hurt and grieve and carry so much pain. It would have ruined me. The natural seperation of being in another state was so bittersweet. It protected me yet hurt at the same time. I knew I needed to get through school...so I buckled down and plowed through.

It feels good to get to deal with it now. To grieve and release and read someone else's journey. God never fails to surprise me when he chooses for us to deal with things. But I'm grateful, and his timing is perfect. And even though it's kind of weird to be crying at your desk during your lunch break, I'm thankful for quiet moments that allow this. And I'm beyond thankful for God's grace in protecting my heart...