Overwhelming love.

I was browsing a blog I found through pinterest, and found this:

"Today, we (Kate and I) went in Ellie's room to hang up some clothes. I laid Kate on Ellie's bed and did my little job. When I turned around to pick Kate up, she was just laying there staring at me... waiting for me to talk to her. All I had to do was say "hi baby" and she did a whole body smile. In that moment I felt so much love for this sweet little girl. I sat down on the bed and kissed her a million times, trying not to cry. Sometimes big love for something so small is just overwhelming." - Jen Johnson


It sucked the air out of my lungs and the words from my heart. This is exactly what I've been feeling lately. 

Sunday Night

Oh Sunday night, how you make my heart ache. You're so bittersweet. One last sweet slow evening with my loves before the busy week begins. One bitter last slow evening with my loves before the busy week begins.

Since going back to work after Noah was born, Sunday night has always been hard. My eyes still well up with tears and my face gets hot and my throat gets lumpy just thinking about having to leave my sweet little man the next morning. Every. Single. Week. It's so hard for me to not lose perspective.

I'm grateful I only have to work three days a week.
I'm grateful on those three days Noah gets to be home with his Daddy.
I'm grateful for my healthy, happy boy.

But my heart still aches and my eyes still burn with tears as I get my lunch ready for the next day. It's hard for me to remember that God wants to use me at my job, too, and it's even harder for me to remember that this job is a blessing from Him. A huge, fat, here-you-go-even-though-tons-of-other-people-were-probably-way-more-qualified-than-you-for-the-job kind of blessing.

And every week, my heart is settled by that reminder. My job is a blessing. I have a purpose at my job. God sees my heartache. He knows my pain. And He loves me through it.

(thankful)

Four Months

You can never understand the love of a mother until you become one. 

It's unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's wild, crazy, and I love it. 

I heard him before I saw him; that teeny, tiny first cry. And I drew in a big breath and exhaled deeply as I thought, "that's my baby". Tears rolled down my cheeks and my heart was bursting with emotion. It was a moment stopped in time that I will remember forever. 

Noah:

You are just over four months and you are more amazing than ever. You're rolling, laughing, talking. Oh, your laugh is my favorite! You think getting dressed is so funny and always giggle when we are changing your clothes. You also love your changing table! You're grabbing your feet, smiling, and still very interested in those chubby hands. You love your daddy and his voice. You love it when he sings to you and plays the guitar. You are discovering your tongue and love to stick it out. I often find you smacking your lips and blowing bubbles. Oh boy, you drool like crazy. So much so that you've gotten a little rash on your chin that we are having a hard time getting rid of.  In the morning you wake up so happy and are usually very content to lay in your crib and chat and play by yourself. Your momma is so appreciative of those few extra minutes of sleep.

You are already showing signs of stranger anxiety, and I'm thinking you might be a shy one. But, don't worry. I know what it's like and we will get through it together. You are trying so hard to sit up, as well as to grasp things on your own. You can hold on to things well if we put them in your hand, but you usually miss when reaching for them. This frustrates you like no other. As soon as you get an object in your hand, it goes straight into your mouth. Another thing you love is to roll from side to side. Not to flip completely over, but to lay on your right side and roll over to your left. 

You are interested in books and love being read to. Its so fun to read to you and have you listen so intently and study the pictures so earnestly. The car still puts you to sleep, and you still love your swing. You love to chew on your fingers (or someone else's) when they are covered with a blanket. You are working on some teeth.

You're still a little baldy, but you are starting to get some fuzzy hair like a little chickie. You're starting to get heavy...sometimes I look at you and wonder if that face could get any fuller or if those thighs could get another roll, and suddenly it happens. You fill up the bassinet at your Grammy's house. My little newborn is grown up!

Oh, how I love you! I am so overwhelmed with gratitude, so incredibly grateful to be your momma. You're my favorite boy. Xoxo times infinity.

Two Thousand Ten

This was the most life changing year I've ever experienced. I know that every year is life changing...because change is inevitable...

But this year was big.

Twenty Ten started out painful.

We lost our first baby at the beginning of the year.

 I miscarried.

 It was one of the hardest things we've ever endured.  It left me hurt, confused, vulnerable and numb. But we got to go to Eugene for a conference, which gave us the opportunity to mourn with some of our closest friends who still live there. It was healing and life giving for me, and I'm forever grateful to the Lord for orchestrating the timing in that. This is the first time I've ever said anything about it publicly, and it's very freeing.

But the rest of the year was filled with surprise, wonder, and amazement. Jesus made 2010 the year of more for us. More life, more fruit, more grace.  

In March we found out I was pregnant. Eight weeks pregnant! Due October 21. Oh, what a flood of emotions! It was an incredible surprise from the Lord. We were not expecting this at all. Renewed, healed, fulfilled. So excited! As Spring arrived with new life, my belly began to swell with new life as well. It was so precious, so perfect, and so Jesus.

I spent my first trimester making close friends with the toilet, but it didn't matter. I would do it all over again, still. The summer was spent celebrating, preparing, growing. Thankfully, we were blessed with an unusual mild summer which my pregnant body greatly appreciated. Again, grace.

School started. God miraculously gave Levi favor with the middle school down the street. Week after week at the Christian club he was leading at the school, he led dozens and dozens of students to Christ. This trend continues! More life, more fruit, more grace.

And then it came.

The ninth month. Week 36. Week 37. Two days shy of week 38: labor. An early, unexpected, thrilling surprise. And exactly 10 months (almost to the hour) after losing our first baby, Noah Gregory was born.

Redemption.
Redemption.
Redemption.

Noah means peace, comfort, rest. And oh, how that precious boy has already lived up this name...

This boy made me a mama. And this year was one crazy, wild ride. And I'm so, so grateful. So grateful for the life. So grateful for the fruit. So grateful for the grace.

So grateful for the more.

Last Night

Last night I sat down to write about meeting Levi. I want to write down our story before I forget any more of the precious little details. Of course I have our story written in various journals as it was happening...but I wanted to have it in one place, all at once.  And as I was writing, I began to sob.

I met Levi on the day I moved to Eugene for college. And for some reason, I was flooded with all of the emotions that came from that move. The heartbreak, the anguish, the excitement, the anticipation.

Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and hormonal.

Maybe it's because my little brother is turning 22 tomorrow, and I was already feeling pretty nostalgic and sentimenal about that.

Maybe it's because we found out yesterday that a man that was very, very influencial in helping Levi turn his life around, clean up, live for Jesus, and who taught him very important life lessons, passed away.

I'm not sure.

But this morning, there's a big lump in my throat that won't go away.

I never got to meet Chuck....but I know how much he meant to Levi. And I'm so grateful to Jesus for using him in Levi's life. I know that a huge part of the man Levi is today is because of Chuck. My heart is broken for Chuck's family...for his wife and eight sweet children. I couldn't imagine losing my daddy or my husband.  I'm so very grateful that Jesus has preserved my family this far. I'm also so very grateful that Chuck is finally healed.  Chuck had been dealing with cancer this past year, and from my understanding these last few months have been very, very rough. Oh sweet Jesus, Holy Spirit the Comforter, please come...



Promise me you'll always remember:
You're braver than you believe,
stronger than  you seem,
and smater than you think.

-A.A. Milne

Branson and Fabric

Last week we ventured to Missouri for a mini Thompson family reunion. I had never been to Missouri, nor the real midwest in the summer, so it was fun to experience it all. I left feeling so so so grateful that California has dry heat. Most of the time I was a sticky mess, but it was oh so fun.

We stayed at a fishing resort on a lake in Branson. We took a boat to dinner, had a surprise baby shower, canoed, fished, mini golfed, had frozen custard for the first time, and ate real well. It was a short trip but so fun.

We've been getting ready for Noah and lots of creating is going on around here. Levi's been drafting plans for a crib, and pricing all of the supplies he will need. I've been sewing, sewing, sewing...and really, I can't get enough of it. I feel addicted to it lately. It's been so life giving and satisfying to me. I've even caught myself day dreaming at work about the project I'm going to work on when I get home. Thanks to Dana from MADE, I've found some really cool places in downtown to buy fabric. My two favorites are the FIDM scholarship store and Michael Levine Loft. At the FIDM store you can get fabric for $1 a yard. At the Loft fabric can be purchased for $2 a pound! There is something about being around fabric...the colors and textures...the possibilities! All I want to do is buy fabric these days. Although, I am having a problem committing fabric to a project. I will purchase fabric with a certain purpose in mind, but sometimes I love the fabric so much I find myself backing out of the idea because I'm just not sure if that's what I want to do with it.... I act like I'm never going to find fabric I like again. HA.

We've had the strangest, coolest summer I can remember. I'm not holding my breath for the real summer heat to continue to hold out. I know it's coming. It's just sneakily waiting around the corner to get us when we least expect it. Don't get me wrong, it's been warm, but nothing like usual. I'm grateful because I know the bigger I get the more uncomfortable the heat is going to make me...

I'm feeling a bit sad that we are coming into the final months of summer, but there are still so many fun things a head. These next few months before Noah is born are completely packed out for us. Thankfully, most of it is really fun and exciting things...like weekend getaways and old friends moving into town! I'm really trying to savor these final months with just Levi before Noah comes, but we really can't wait for him to get here! He moves like crazy and already gives me a run for my money. I can't believe how much I love him!

Everyday.

Last Friday Levi and I read Ephesians 5 together....and I've read it every day since on my own. I can not get enough of it. I'm stuck on it. And I love it. I've been reading it in The Message version the last few days, and it kind of smacks you around a little. I like a good smacking. :)

Stuck on:

Ephesians 5:1-2 (emphasis mine)

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.